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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
This recliner and I go way back.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.