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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!