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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.