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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.