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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.