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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
pudding... thats always a funny word
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.