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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.