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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.