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We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.