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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.