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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!