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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`