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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.