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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"