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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.