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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.