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7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.