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Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.