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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.