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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry