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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?