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I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.