Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.