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If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
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I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."