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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.