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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem