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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.