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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I give myself the best presents.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.