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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.