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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!