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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?