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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?