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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
My life coach just benched me.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.