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A wise man once said nothing.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut