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real eyes realize real lies
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."