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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.