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My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.