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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.