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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.