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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.