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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?