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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."