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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.