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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
The first sign of laziness:
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.