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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol