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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
High fiving was the original "like".
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.