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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...