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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Tieam... problem solved