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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"