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Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Line forms here for spankings
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.