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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.