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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.