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They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!