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Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?