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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.