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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.