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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards