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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.