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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.