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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.