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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!