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Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?