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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.