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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Own the day
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store