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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Hash browns not tags.