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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."