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Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.