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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Own the day
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?